Amber Heard might go to prison because the universe is generous

December 8, 2015

 

 

In today’s edition of Stars! They’re Just Like Us!, Johnny Depp’s wife and Angelina Jolie-wannabe, Amber Heard is wanted by the Australian government for illegally smuggling her Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo into the country. The D-list star’s lawyer released a statement that she’ll be defending the charges. If found guilty, Heard could face up to 10 years in prison, plus a $75,000 fine.

 

Apparently you have to get a permit for your pet before they serve a mandatory quarantine for at least 10 days. But because Depp and Heard are the most hardcore couple of all time, little Pistol and Boo rode in their private jet before touching down in Australia, hassle-free. The government only found out when a local dog groomer posted a picture online and someone snitched.

 

Australia’s Agriculture Minister, Barnaby Joyce threatened to euthanize the dogs unless they flew them back within 72 hours. I know that sounds harsh, but if an animal has rabies, it could pose a serious risk.

 

But because Depp is so motherf-cking hardcore, he called Joyce a “kind of sweaty, big-gutted man from Australia.” When asked what he would do if his wife were arrested, he said he would “assault that man [Joyce],” so he could join her too.

 

Is that a promise?

 

There is so much wonderful about this news that I don’t even know where to start. First off, Yorkies are the worst kind of dog and so not worth the trouble of bringing all the way to Australia. Have you ever met one? They’re f-cking insufferable.

 

I also love that E! News identified Heard as “The Zombieland actress.” You mean that movie where she appeared for literally four minutes? Good to know marrying Johnny Depp has elevated her career.

 

Sadly, I doubt they’ll throw Heard’s ass in prison, because she’s a spoiled princess who married one of the world’s biggest movie stars. We live in a world where a comedian can get away with raping nearly 50 women and an actor can blind a man and become a success story.

 

*Correction: The previous headline indicated that Amber Heard might go to jail. The correct word is prison. 

 

Photo: Splah News

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